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QaR
October 2009 
you may have had one of these
Posted on May 26th, 2009
by 
maze
maze
A day where by its end you wonder...where the fuck was I today. I don't know who said this: life is in session...are you present?...but a few hours of my day was like that up until now. Suddenly I raised my hand and said: here. And this time the professor didn't say: go back to sleep Mr. Mazur. I won't recount my day for you even though I did accomplish a lot. This is less about accomplishment and more about mindfulness. And really, even though I'm thinking about it, it has more to do with feeling than thinking. I was busy most of the day, but it wasn't a good busy, it was a busy that was preoccupied by something else. Maybe dread...I was thinking about dread yesterday. Dread resurfaced. I love stupid dread. I love the way it just pops in uninvited. No fucking knock, just dread in your face. The place is a mess, no beer in the refrigerator...and there's fucking dread hanging around. Excuse me while I shift a bit in my seat...this really isn't about dread today, it's something else. In my reflection, as I write this blog to you, I can honestly say that I'm not aware of any dread that I felt today. My dread is dead. And that's okay. But what if it's not dread that I'm really talking about...what if it's hope and joy. What if hope and joy are dead along with dread. A day where you dwell in the comfort of numb. And guess what...there is no such thing as a day. For me, I find that quite refreshing, dreadful and humorous. I think I'm trying to define malaise. Or torpor. Or maybe nothing at all. Yes, now I feel better. It is nothing.
Beatles - Nowhere man
Access: Public
this was pretty powerful Maze. Not exactly sure what you are saying but some part of me does. Glimpses of it. How I waste my day often getting stuff done but with each effort my, mind being focused on other things I should be doing and remaining anxious, hating what I am actually doing and not doing anything all that well.
And waking up with dread, not being sure why. Having to stay with the dread despite not knowing its reason, just accepting it.
I would hate for hope and joy to be dead, that would be unbearable even for a moment. Would have to shake that off, take a walk or something.
love, jen
Sometimes the first thought that enters my head as i wake up is that i am going to eventually die,all of me knows this it's like dread i guess I'm dreading my own death.