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July 2009 
I was ready to quit
Posted on Sep 19th, 2008
by 
maze
maze
but fuck you cyberspace...I'm not a quitter. I was going to smash my mouse against this laptop screen, but fuck no, I'm above that. I had a whole blog written about candy corn. And the title of the blog was: why are you here. It was a little ditty about a guy sitting at his dinning room table writing in his daily journal. He was pondering why there is such a thing as candy corn. He would write a few words in his journal, lift his head up off the page in contemplation and notice the glass bowl of candy corn. The candy corn became the object of his thought. He began to wonder...who eats this shit...originally he used the word stuff. The writer's anger has taken over...please forgive him. Head drops down back to journal. Head pops back up. He wonders....if the glass bowl is around for Thanksgiving because he remembers that's it's not around for Christmas. Where does the glass bowl go he wonders...but not only that...the stuff inside too. I'm here because I ate the whole bowl. I don't know what happened to me, I was home alone, writing in my journal when suddenly I lifted the glass lid off the glass bowl. I wasn't drinking or doing any hallucinogenic substances and I wasn't even being curious, I just felt like I needed a nibble or something and I was maybe too lazy to go to the kitchen cupboard to pour myself a little bag of potato chips. Well, and I really can't tell you a whole lot more, but before long, everything around me started to get fuzzy and the whole room was spinning around. I was loopy as hell, but fortunate enough to be able to dial 911. Well Mr. Mazuree you are a very fortunate man, you ingested a very toxic substance today and you are lucky to be alive. I'm surprised you didn't know that candy corn is toxic. So, why isn't there a warning. There is, but it's in very small print on the package. But my wife buys these in bulk section of the grocery store. She may have in 2001, but since then, the laws have not allowed for candy corn to be sold in bulk. I don't understand any of this...why doesn't the surgeon general step in. I suppose you have something there, but what's next....should the government post a warning on the red berries of hollies and on mistletoes dangling from archways. No, but how long before my stomach gets pumped.
KARDINAL OFFISHALL 'DANGEROUS' feat. AKON (Official Video)
Access: Public
candy corn.. hmmmn.. i don't think we have candy corn up her in Canada. I've never heared of them.. but now reading this and seeing the picture, i have the cravings for skittles. I'll be sure not to overdose.
Weird. I saw a bowl of candy sitting on a table here at the inlaws in Georgia and thought: Is it candy corn??? But no, it was some wrapped in plastic sucking candy. I would have had a piece of the candy corn (just one piece, for old time's sake) but not the other stuff. Ha ha!
I was chatting with a scientist at ASEP, a researcher into the biology of orgasm, and she mentioned she had to leave to go to a meeting with the former surgeon general. It reminded me that I haven't heard a Surgeon General's report on what is or is not good for American's health in 8 long years. It is a muzzled cabinet position.
So Maze, that's why there is no health warning on your bag of candy corn. The administration is in the back pocket of Big Corn. They don't want you to know that candy corn is a by-product of ethanol production. No wonder you need a stomach pump.
There's no need for me to worry about eating a whole bowl of candy corn. I've never like it because I find it too sweet. Chocolate, however, is another matter…
Gawd, I miss you, Maze. You always make me grin.
Smooches!
Dana
well, I won't go repeating myself suggesting you write a draft offline.. & i don't know how candy corn tastes, they'd probably be prohibited over here anyway, BUT I did enjoy reading this, like forever wondering how you come up with the idea to do so.. & it made me think of a wee tune played for me a while ago.. this time for you mr candyman
my son claims there's only one bag of candy corn that has been around for 30 years, cuz no kid wants to eat that shit…always was the last thing left in the halloween bag…here mom, you can have the candy corn, but not the snickers bar…or would that be the snickers bite?
This is hilarious! Have you ever had the kinda sorta chocolate variation of candy corn? I think I've seen/tried this….or maybe I'm hallucinating. It's better, but….it's still kind of freaky.
:)
There is something insidiously compelling about candy corn to me but fortunately I always feel the sugar hitting me before I go overboard. I think it's because I associate it with Halloween. it looks like it should have three different flavors too but it doesn't. I think I expect it to every time I take a nibble but then I stop eating it because I'm a little disappointed.
I grew up loving caramelized popcorn but never heard of corn candy!
Anyhow, you made me laugh again, Tom! And not at your stomach being pumped!
Lewis Black does a whole routine on candy corn! Have you seen it? He says is is recycled shit since 1918 or something…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KpkvmBOnuw
no, I never did see that Lewis Black skit…until a few moments ago….and I now have to say, that he made me laugh my ass off. Unfortunately for me, I thought I was being original when I did my thing on candy corn last night. Damn….I have work at being fresh.
no worries Maze, it might just be impossible to keep it completely fresh when speaking of candy corn. it's kind of like the fruit cake at Christmas, one does have to wonder if it's the same one from years gone by :)
My boyfriend swears that I am the only person on earth who actually likes candy corn. I think his beliefs lie in the direction of all of us being conditioned from birth to view candy corn as a necessary/evil accoutrement of the season; therefore eaten compulsively. Or perhaps, he says, it is a conspiracy of the candy company syndicate (bwah-ha-ha!) that causes us to eat it soylent green fashion year after year.
I happen to like the taste and it reminds me of fall and bonfires and pumpkin pie and all that good stuff. He just shakes his head at me and remarks, how can you like something that is neither candy, nor corn?
heehee…now it justs goes to show you would do well in standup maze, as your stuff is just as freakin funny as George and Lewis and others….
and we love ya here on Gaia doing it for us!
Candy corn is my daughter's favie candy snack. Never knew quite why, as she usually has “good taste” as they say… anyway, you're way-sweet Maze. That's why you can OD on these candies, see? :) …Yeah, I know, but I had to say it anyway.
Jo, you're not alone - I also like candy corn! And I'm from Canada - so we definitely do have it here…just look in the bottom of your halloween basket (or pillowcase, or whatever else you use!). Funny stuff Maze!